The Opening Quest

The Opening Quest

In preparation for further development of my book, I decided to answer several questions from one of my favorite authors Dushka Zapata.

These questions set the tone for 2018 while also inspiring me to invite you to send me questions that you have thought about existence. The goal isn’t to overthink but to answer with what you feel in the heart of the moment.

Here are my favorite 14 questions.

1. “If life had no meaning, what meaning would I create for mine?”

I’d create a meaning that would mean something to me tomorrow. A meaning that has enough nutrition to last for me and those who came after me. If no others came after me then the meaning would have to be enough to satisfy me even when I’m bored. Something to make me laugh and cry because it’s all so beautifully complex.

2. “If there was no purpose to our existence, what purpose would I give to mine to shield myself from existential despair?”

I would make it a mission to make someone think about their life and what they can do with it. I would want them to laugh at how ironic this whole game of life is. I would want to show myself and people around me how life is so short and how we should chase what gives us that rush.

3. “What matters to me? Why? And once I figure this out, can I determine an order of importance?”

Freedom matters most to me. To be at full liberty without the worry that I must stop at the disadvantage of someone’s inability to respect my equilibrium. If I could get out of someone’s way to their freedom. Establishing importance would mean to know it’s not just about me.

4. “Is there a healthy, logical correlation between my priorities and how I spend my time? If not, why?”

I give myself too much time for tasks I feel can wait. I must embed a pattern of usual, so I don’t buy into the distractions because god knows I have binged on many distractions. I think I have bought so much time because I see time as an illusion and I feel I always have time, but I’ve come to realize I don’t always have time. It’s always leaving me when I gain it.

5. “What am I afraid of? Can I learn to distinguish the fear that protects me from the fear that stops me?”

“They say everybody is afraid of something although I don’t know what actually makes me afraid now. I am drawn to the unknown and I believe fear makes us strong at times. I suppose my fear is to be consistent in the most western way of doing it. (I must always pay my bills and have enough left over) Constantly making enough that is sufficient and inspiring enough to last. The best way for me to distinguish it is to fail occasionally and not feel guilty about it.”

6.”What happens when I get what I want? Is it glorious, empty, triumphant, anticlimactic? Why?”

I usually feel content with it. Sometimes when I want something so very badly and get it – I don’t feel like it was worth the wanting. I would like to capture the gloriousness more because there’s substance in playing in that feeling. I think it becomes anticlimactic because I knew I could get it – I just didn’t think I would survive the trip to get there.

7. “What does happiness mean to me? What makes me happy and how can I capture that elusive sensation more often?”

Happiness means more laughter and learning found in simple and complex things. I think if I read more, the joy of happiness will show up more.

8. “What hurts me? How can I become stronger against what causes me to suffer? How and where can I learn to suffer less? How can I remind myself that the person who makes me suffer the most is me?”

I hurt myself when I don’t own up to my decisions and how they influence others. I should remember that I am in the driver’s seat and that my reactions can be calmer. To be mindful of silence and that words don’t always have to be spoken.

9. “What is left of me if I attempt to define myself without leaning on anything I do? I am a student, I am a writer, I am a mom, I am a manager, I am a Vice President – these are all things I do. Who am I? Where is she?”

This is a very complex one. I am here and while I am here, I want to make as much hell and fun on this trip. I observe, sleep, learn and then convert this knowledge into love for everyone around me.

10. “How can I avoid losing myself in my relationships? What are my boundaries and how do I enforce them?”

One way is to have a clear understanding that we do not belong to each other but that we are only appreciating and honoring each other’s company. That we live with the knowledge that we can together but sometimes we may steer to our own strengths by ourselves. I can enforce my boundaries by staying true to myself without shame or pressure.

11. “What do my feelings teach me about myself? If I feel anger or jealousy, can I learn not to react to these feelings but instead determine what they are trying to tell me?”

They are trying to tell me to maybe rearrange what I do not understand. To Ask more questions and to speak softly and to apologize when I’ve assumed too much. I can learn by simply remembering people are often in the same state as me. They just want clarity.

12. “What happens when I sit in silence?”

I find that the stillness in myself is still yearning to speak to myself in riddles of nothing but me, myself, and I.

13. “How can I better manage change? How can I get better at accepting how little control I have?”

Knowing that I did not choose to be born here at the time I was. Some parts are played long before I got here.

14. “How would I like to be remembered?”

“Remembered for good company with a fresh willingness to open a door that people didn’t really think about turning, making them laugh while thinking.”

If you got through all of my answers to these magnificent questions, I applaud your interest endearingly! I encourage you to answer some of these questions as well! I wanted to start 2018 with these questions because they would open up my understanding of myself and where I want to go.

I am making it a mission to write way more while reading, listening, and observing.

We can do this thing together – narrating and asking. This will help us climb the ladder for clarity among all living things!

((*Every 7th of the month from now until March – I’ll post 3 of my favorite questions (& 7 replies) that I find correlates with the book I’m working on! If you have any questions that you have asked at any time // feel free to email me at

Peddle Deep

Peddle Deep

I was peddling so hard – I didn’t know how close I was to falling down, until about 28 minutes ago! Ever get in the mood for just a race? You want to run so far as if some zombie is coming behind you! When you got that kind of motivation your legs become even more determined to go faster!

My legs were fully inspired. By the time, I was just about to get to my destination. It dawned on me – I had to stop before coming body first into a collision. (Duh!) Before nearly crashing -I hit the breaks HARD! So hard where I nearly fell off my damn bike!

Luckily tho, my instincts kicked in right in time for me to feel how close I was to falling off. My hands grabbed the handlebars earnestly. Like a man in love holds his lover in the time of delight, I was holding onto dem bars TIGHT!

Suddenly, my feet slid at an angle where it then dragged for several seconds while gulping equilibrium in the process. To make matters more sensitive – I had on soft Nike’s too. I got up – having realized I made it to my destination without falling off. Basically: It hurt like hell at the time it was all done.

As I walked up to put the bike back in place – I felt a pulsating pain. I legit thought I had fractured my ankle. I was happy I didn’t fall off. If the breaks were not engaged – I would have easily run on various solid surfaces.

I guess it didn’t matter how hard I was peddling – as long as I made it to my destination safely. A bit bruised up? Yes. A pep in my step due to avoiding my body crashing? Yes. But no long-term pains.

This taught me a valuable lesson: No matter how fast you’re going. How determined you are. You’re gonna have to stop. You’d be pressed to remember soon before it’s too late. So, peddle deep but take it easy around the corners – remember to break with a considerable sloth BEFORE arriving at your destination.

Punitive Punch

Punitive Punch

They came with a punitive punch. A punch meant to sentence me to prison. They wanted me to pay for all my alleged crimes.

There I went – flying with punishment for crimes I did not commit. Something as small as an ant turned into a monster from The Transformers series.

What’s the point of making something so minuscule a major quandary? The implication of guilt then breeds a fierce judgment which disqualifies my actual existence to think freely.

Applauding progress nowadays is like sticking a gun up to someone after they sincerely apologize. I want to change that. Progress deserves a laudable response when met with demonstrative commitment.

Instead, I’m given a whip to my brain – fighting over the grains of sand while building skyscrapers with what remains.

This was a knockout to the mind and a strangle to my neck. I was sent without warning and while believing I was strong, I then came across a nail polish bottle.

This was a test of my strength and I couldn’t pass it as well as I thought. The twists and turns only left my hands bruised – this was a punch meaning to wrongfully arrest me with brutal enforcement. 

This was meant to make a mockery of my weakness and while we all deal with it at some point. I’ve already been locked in a padded cell. I’m crying out for Justice and Mercy, but will I ever be heard? The guards laugh at me as they know this familiar story.

So, what’s left to say when you’ve been punched? You can hit back but a punch ain’t a pinch. This punch was a knockdown to my rebuttal. A rebuke to my progress – a punitive punch which knocked me to the ground.

As I lay down to lick my wounds, I’m reminded that a punch doesn’t mean it’s the end of me. A punch is much like a reminder that it was all a joke. *Like come on, don’t take it that seriously* I sure as hell ain’t Laughing but I’m not crying either. A striking blow yes, but it opened a window to my healing.

Now, I can contemplate my next move! I’ll offer a punch back this time – with a spike. Then we can get this party started for real! No more tears or fears – Justice has finally served us pardoned.

Gradual (Not Immediate) Approximately

Gradual (Not Immediate) Approximately

Are you aware of the ‘Trans-Theoretical Model’? (TTM)

It comes in 5 Stages:

(1) Pre-contemplation – When one is unaware that change is necessary.

(2) Contemplation – When one recognizes the problem but not fully committed to changing it.

(3) Preparation – When one decides a change is necessary – When one Makes an effort.

(4) Action – When one puts into motion the action to deal with the problem.

(5) Maintenance – Goes hand in hand with action – Also where urges arise to encourage a relapse into the same behaviors.

We don’t always take into account how long It takes to changing behavioral patterns. As most things in life teach us – it ain’t that simple and the complications should be honored. These steps provide a layout that reminds us of the pieces that form the full picture of recovery. Even when you’re on the last step – it’s important to keep track of progress.

It’s easy and expected to get lost on your road to recovery and it’s very plausible that you may relapse. We aren’t always understanding of this struggle but exercising empathy is one of the best traits we can use for one another. This doesn’t mean we excuse toxic behavior in favor or someone’s journey – but again to exercise empathy is a great reward.

At best we are only approximating solutions. We’re all looking through the glass dimly through scuffs and bruises. Which is close enough, TBh. We are gradually getting to where we need to be. If history serves us correctly, it takes time and failure.

Trial and error.

We can learn an awful lot if we use what’s around us to our advantage. There is a lot which is beyond our reach but so many things close to our distance. It’s better if we deal with what’s in front of us rather than overlook what’s just around the corner.

Which leads me to my next point.

When was the last time you thought about the importance of reading?

NEWS FLASH: Most folks – don’t read.

Headlines are not articles. Articles aren’t always volumes but if properly condensed you can pack a lot of information in a few paragraphs. You don’t have to travel to discover more about the people around you. Reading is fundamental and while this is clear – it’s often forgotten about. Books are becoming less and less interested in mass consumption.

The link between bad behaviors and reading inevitably cross in light of new information.

It suddenly dawned me on just how a vast many of us are indeed ‘programmed’. When I say suddenly – I don’t mean out of nowhere. It didn’t reveal itself from the blanket of nothingness. Rather – upon careful observation of our various climates and conditions. We (Humans) are a special breed of Living energies and the way we cope knowledge and information have never been easier at the dawn of this internet age.

^^ I saw this and laughed myself into a deeply thoughtful analysis which is the basis of this blog post.

How many of us are really informed because of the tools made available to us for FREE on the Internet? Water is life and So is The Internet and I’ve already talked about this before – so I won’t go too far on that.

When I think of being ‘programmed’ it’s not by some pseudo prophetic cyber chip implanted in our fingers and hands. It’s more indirect. We have far better access than we’ve ever had in history. Regardless of this, many of us are ignorant of those around us. We simply don’t know because we’re plugged into the system of paying bills and finding out what’s next to eat. This pattern of daily living can get ruthless and if you’re not stimulating your brain by renewing perspectives – like a languid body sitting constantly, you become stuck.

We may not be DEEP or Intellectual enough to break it down from the micro and macro but with the connection of knowledge, we can stay informed. Don’t know? Get up and exercise your right to ask.

This is just a friendly reminder that you don’t have to be all the way there. You can approximate your way to the answer.

You Must Search

You Must Search

You Must Search because the systems aren’t designed to be completely honest with you. Systems enable a poisonous cycle that is literally designed to KILL you. If by chance you survive the toxic hell they feed you – they won’t supply tools necessary to restore your health and well-being. Look at it as a virus installed the moment you bought a new computer. It’s only a matter of time before it crashed but the repair won’t be for free.

But for a $Price$ far beyond your ability to compensate. All of the billboards tell you nothing is wrong and that this is the way it goes. All of the glitter and expensive things are shown as believable. It’s sold as a dream that everyone desires although you must be asleep to enter it. The price for liberation – leaves you left with very little leg room. While your legs may be stuck in a closed in place, your ability to move is still encouraged.

You Must Search for loving yourself isn’t always the easiest path but it yields the best benefits. It’s not that people don’t care they just don’t care enough to change what you’re doing in your life. It’s good to have a village hold everyone responsible but it ain’t the norm. People barely acknowledge that you’re there. When something comes up – like if your pants are down. This doesn’t always alert your neighbors all the time. They might not find it necessary to tell you – this is why your mirror is your best friend.

You Must Search cuz you’re responsible without given the reason to know why you gotta find out. You’re thrown in – sink, swim, or float. You’ll have to do each of these actions at some point in time. This matters because the importance of awareness is literally life-changing. Getting to know why things sink, swim, and float helps identify the problem. It ain’t just you, tho! Sharing this space with about 7 billion other people and counting helps create some perspective. When in doubt be your own best friend and look out the window to gain empathy.

You Must Search for there are various clues hidden between the walls and halls of your waking life. You’re on an endless journey which is governed by the rules you set. These rules are imaginary – they only make sense to those that follow. There is Black and White – and those colors which are in between.

You Must Search for the fun is in the adventure to find out what’s awaiting you. (Which is a lot)

When Flowers Yawn

When Flowers Yawn

As flowers dream to glistening stars above

They entrance me deeply

The foggy morning appears to me

The empathy of softness

The coy awakening where flower’s stare

Eye see joy there – inside it

The stardust gyrating around your hair

Are peddles you’ll repel by reflecting

Inside through outside – our kinship
are sleepy dreams

The cool summer that you once knew

You’ll see in me entirely

When flowers awaken – the dozy spell will signal

Our arms to stretch

As flowers stretch from the inside – we are transfixed by their yawn

“Comb Your Pennies”

“Comb Your Pennies”

As they woke up early in the morning ready for the day at hand: They suddenly heard a voice from the distance – which grew stronger as it came close to their ears.

“Make sure to comb your pennies as you brush your dollars.”

Not much was known about them but they did gain a little sunlight whenever the sun was gracious enough to shine on them. They did not have much but enough strength to keep what could be turned into something bigger. Anytime they walked the corners of the earth – they found pieces of cloth that they connected into a bigger quilt. It didn’t matter where they were, as long as they could keep some space in their pockets. They held onto what little they had, in hope that it would turn into a dollar.

Days went by and eventually, their pennies turned into many dollars. Their hair wasn’t as wild as before. They had enough to show up to the party with a laid back do and enough details to show off how much they had saved. It didn’t take long for them to realize what this meant. Now they could brush their dollars into the deep areas of their head. The comb and brush was a reminder to take what little they had to manage what was in their control.

I heard this in a dream and I find this sentiment very important.

“Comb your pennies and brush your dollars”

I’ve always been one to recycle. A broken necklace? A wrist bracelet. A broken wrist bracelet? A chain to dangle on my trousers. Anything that breaks – will become something else before it goes in the trash can. I do this as a reminder that everything transforms. The purpose doesn’t have to be lost.

Ain’t it funny how when Black Friday comes along we feel justified in buying things for a cheaper price? If you really do the math you’ll open yourself to the scam that is really Black Friday Weekend. Most sales are 20% – 30% off the original price, which isn’t that much of a discount. It’s also convenient that this comes a month before Christmas. THIS IS NOT AN ACCIDENT.

It’s all tied to spending as most as possible for those little charms that make life easier. This also means your hair can get a little more raggedy in the process. By the time Black Friday and Christmas is over your hair will be all over the place. My suggestion to avoid crazy hair – become extremely hypothetical in situations where money is involved. I start becoming a detective searching the ins and outs of the situation.

This metaphor of pennies being combed is like dumping all of your coins out of your storage container. The moment they begin to fall out, they tend to scatter. That’s when you gotta comb them towards you. At times you get lucky and find higher currencies which is always a bonus but even if you don’t brush off those dollars. When there ain’t enough to make a quilt, you best believe you have enough fabric to make an ACCENT. A detail or two that will stand out flamboyantly. Any eye for detail can catch it.

So next time you find yourself with a few spare pieces around – consider combing all that is scattered. Once your done brushing everything together – you’ll be ready to flow with the finest of accents.

Misery And Company At Your Buffet

Misery And Company At Your Buffet

I sat down right next to misery on the train towards The Highway of Empathy. Misery then told me, how much they loved my company for they had sensed my pain. Before I knew it – I began telling them what made me miserable. It’s fair to say we bonded quite quickly.

The phenomenon of trauma bonding is a bit more clever than I supposed. I left feeling as if I wasn’t the only one who had pains and bruises. I knew it was not only me who knew misery. When I finally arrived at Empathy Highway – I began to understand so many others experienced and felt similar to me. I quickly realize what we soon discover – I ain’t the only one in this bih!

“In the land of misery there lived a voice. A voice seeking to be heard by all of those whose woes were awakened by shared disgrace. Misery has a lot of company. Friends or enemies – it matters none to misery EVERYONE is invited to bond over the fire and ice. We are burned and then we are sent to Antartica.”

We are living in a time where misery is experienced at an intensified level.

With knowledge comes the awareness to put knowledge at exercise. It can’t stand to be stagnant – it must move in order for it to truly be alive. For what can be said about the familiar stroke of hardship? How are we to move on when our motivation is gone and when there’s no clear path to healing?

The conditions of life can be very hard even for the strongest of us. All we really have is each other and when your neighbor starts acting a fool, you got yourself. Even when you let yourself down, you’re still with YOU. Another chance to get it right. Remembering that even when it’s wrong you can appreciate the balance.

STILL, we can’t help but listen and share our woes. Whether with people, paper, art, or any amount of creation we can find to muster those silent woes. While we all share a relationship with life’s pain and triumphs – our pains are remembered with stronger conviction.

Misery is a friendly invitation extended to anyone who chooses to remember their miserable experiences. Somebody will find something to complain about. There’s always room for improvement and complaints remind us there are advancements that can be made. Just as long we keep it in the current motion.

Hindsight is more the 20/20 – it’s a dream we won’t remember all the details to.

We are like questions being drawn at the expense of searching for answers.

Sometimes all it takes is the right question to be found at the right time in your sorrow. I have learned to not be afraid of sorrows pull – for there’s a lot I have yet to process in my tears.

When the aches of life return and wish to retreat at a buffet with all sorts of past and present existential reminders – I’m gonna eat it one tribulation at a time. ( I may very well leave some entree’s because some things are too high in sugar and fat).

We don’t have to deal with all of the sorrows of the world at once. There’s a lot to eat and if you’re aren’t careful you can put way too much on your plate because you spend too much company with misery. Social Justice is important but if you’re gonna be a warrior – you have to always be prepared to fight.

That’s part of the problem, carrying swords, arrows, and armor. You won’t always be able to dodge those bullets and avoid the inevitable. The inevitable happens. Response or reaction? It’s all about your determination to resolve. If it’s all meant to be here or there.

Don’t let life hassle you into a thousand schemes of awakening. *Sleeping is sometimes some of the best natural medicine life can give you*. I’d encourage you to be aware of the many courses made available to you. Blow off your back the familiar retrograde set to keep you in flames. Every experience isn’t dealt with the same way – best if we stop pretending they are. Leave yourself to your own space where you can eat your grace at your pace.

Remember: You’re the one eating is what is nutrious. *Hopefully more than the sweets* You get to choose what you want and what’s yours. No matter who’s around you encouraging you to “EAT! EAT! IT’s GOOD!” It may not be good and to the company that suggests otherwise – remember it’s your buffet. You get to eat whatever you want. Your mouth, Your choice!

Bees Swarming

Bees Swarming

My brain is on overload. My heart steady yearns for clarity amidst the noise. The future is calling me like bees swarming around honey. The time restraints that mirror my ancient age. Apparently, I don’t look as old as I feel in relation to where I thought I’d be. None of us are spared from the light from the stars which look back at us.

I’m still looking to be found. My voice is at the lowest barrow. I want to unlock my own inner jams. The more I rehearse these lines over and over – I’m waiting for the great performance. Performance anxiety is a real battle, yet staying present is a mindful formula.

Setting aside time to remember what this moment means is crucial. Air pilot reactions must die in the foreign flame. A period can no longer be the end all be all. The statement in question must be brought to the jury. My will is to testify, yes my intentions are to show up on the stand. Like The gears change when I drive a standard car – my focus must be in tune.

Whenever I am filled with the little that is left – my heart yearns for more. The resemblance to an abundance of thoughts is uncanny to nothing right beside me. We are living in the time where powers are being torn down. Structures no longer are able to maintain their foundations. The people have started a revolution! After years and years of being ignored and not seen for their actual scars – we the people have awakened.

At this point, it’s not about who’s sleeping but rather when awake, they get to the business of connecting the dots found in their dreams. The history of our philosophies is engineered by personal experiences which are then led by the examples of our fathers and mothers. Who do we blame for the pedigree of where our steps have led?

There a lot of people to point to. Everyone ain’t innocent but does that by default make us all guilty? I suppose we all make it up as we go along. There’s a whole a lot to remember and not much to forget when every experience is lived up to complete formation. This doesn’t mean it’ll be easy rather a challenge to return to the NOW. Let’s face it: The now can be freighting and exhausting – but by being present in it – our moments are longer.

Swarming buzzes in and out my ear. I don’t want to swap the life out of them. But damn, their noise is a growing pest. I’ll be damned if I’ll let them sting me, at the expense of their life. They encourage me to visit their queen – the soul of honey is at the center. As going around the honeycomb-like a bee – I’ll Be exactly who and where I need to be.



/*/ I made this video 7 years ago. I was inspired by the doors ahead. What it would mean if I nervously or anxiously opened the door ahead of me. A mystery is what answers what’s beyond the door, you’ll only know if you turn. Dreams are meant to help you connect the random dots of the day. /*/

“If we could all do it because it was easy, then we’d all do it.”

Would we all do it, tho? Some do it because it’s hard – the very nature of it being hard providing motivation for the heart. There’s a growing need to do what’s written. You can only do what is written by writing it down.

Doing your To Do Lists. I’ve gotten back to carrying index cards and writing in my ‘To Do Journal.’ (Much respect to Siju, for reminding me of such tasks) There’s a lot of work to do, so best have a list to help narrow what’s important and what can wait. Cuz let’s face it: A lot of what we do on the daily bases can wait. Procrastination is seen as a toxic nuisance but it has the tendency to work with the creation of more important things.

Time Management is crucial but has the tendency to be a pain in the ass, only because it highlights the underdog prioritizing what’s relevant. Narrowing the obese just enough to fit in your jeans.

The relationship we have with time is crucial in how we function with it. It doesn’t have to be against us when we commit to showing up on time. We owe this to our goals by aligning in time with them. Look at all of your opportunities as being found behind the doors of life.

The door is already complete. All you have to do is turn the knob and enter in. No one is stopping you from entering except YOU. The strength of your turn depends on the will you have to pursue what’s in front of you.

The idea of a door is to manifest the seeds that have been planted. You can only do this the moment you let go and take the chance. What’s stopping you? Capital? Contacts? Maybe you haven’t met the right people who have the resources to make it happen. They are other roadblocks which show up through hesitation by feeling afraid to fail. The embarrassment and the lost may seem too far to deal with.

Trust me when I say: YOU CAN HANDLE IT! It won’t all return to you void. You might cry a bit. Be broke for a while. End up lost with no compass on where to go. Close to suffering. Reaching for your last breath. *I ain’t said this shit would be enjoyable.* Quite honestly we fret often because of what losing means. Prepare to be lost. Being lost is not only an adventure but a direction to other places.

Doors prepare us for what is ahead and we’re reminded by all of the forces before us to Be Willing. Willing to open the door to what suits the unexpected. Take the risk of the mystery to which I say:

Adore ! Adore! Open it up! Slowly or with confidence!