The Firey Speck

The Firey Speck

In a moment where the wind blew
For a brief grievance, my coat tail knew
The fiery dust which embraced my eye
Came to proclaim a message of a thunderous lullaby
To be awake is to steady see
The anguish and anger always sent for me
A song for the hornet and wide winged bat
Inside of my shattered heart, my reaction is a frivolous stat

When the speck hit my eye
I should have washed it out with lye
The burn would have paralyzed my will to see
The dream that this would set us free
But now I’m waking up to be hurt
All of my feelings are stuck in the dirt

For some wish to learn at the university – receiving methods and assignments in strenuous diversity
Others are not for the will to learn from the school book
They rather get it word of mouth from the bell and informed hook
I suppose it matters not where education arrives
For as long as the trail of questions convince our begging lives

When the speck hit my eye
I should have washed it out with lye
The burn would have paralyzed my will to see
The dream that this would set us free
But now I’m waking up to be hurt
All of my feelings are stuck in the dirt

{bridge}
A refrain of speckled puzzles convinced me to see
A dark illumination that’s paralyzed me
If not for the will to sing this song
I’d refuse to believe the dance to belong
The color of a miss-step is the shade of a fading white
No one has to wrestle in the error of the unseen night

A frivolous stat! A frivolous stat! A hornet without honey and wide winged bat! A wide-winged bat!
For seeing without eyes are like bees without honey
A purpose to be drawn without the necessity of money
The speck in my eye became an enlarged reflector
This inspired a pathway to become the most desired nectar

When the speck hit my eye
I should have washed it out with lye
The burn would have paralyzed my will to see
The dream that this would set us free
But now I’m waking up to be hurt
All of my feelings are stuck in the dirt

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Ultraviolet Bloom (Sensory Illumination)

Ultraviolet Bloom (Sensory Illumination)

It is with pleasure and joy I announce my new music video for a song I composed late last year – Ultraviolet-Bloom which is also known as Sensory Illumination! The music and the music video was done by Jeremy Garner.

In light of the vast amount of creative work me and Jeremy have created over the years, we decided it would be appropriate to have a central place where you can find our various contributions of the years! We call it Planit Jade!

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It’s way overdue for us to have a central place in the world to see what we’ve done together. Some of our first creative pieces were done as early as 2014. Usually – I am writing along with the power of inspiration and I’ll share it with Jeremy and he has a unique ability to bring those words to life. Ultraviolet Bloom is another one of those occasions where it came to fullness. I can’t thank Jeremy enough for his willingness and excitement to help bring these visions to life. It always starts as something small than before you know it – It’s fully formed.

Sensory Illumination is one of those magical journey’s that takes you through intricate halls in my mind. The music takes you away from the heart to mind. Womb and Bloom! You can listen to this song in full here.

For never was my reason to understand
That would only mean I would have to learn
My spirit wished to only kiss the space in between giving and taking
My Flesh feels the emotion of touch and while knowledge comes closer to me
Bumps begins to race up and down my skin

Sensory Illumination
Ultraviolet bloom
Hearts are taking
Ultraviolet Womb

Where Was I?
Lost in the green meadows
A sanctuary found in the grass
My spirit half past awake and dead
Are we to begin where our hearts have fluttered?

Sensory Illumination
Ultraviolet Womb
Heart is taken
Ultraviolet Bloom

Born into a world that I never knew
Feelings overtaking me – gaining strength in places unbeknown to me
Poltergeist intentions seeking to overthrow this sinking place
A ghost of desire visiting me in cracked halls
Wishing she was found but in belly, we have began

Sensory Illumination
Ultraviolet Bloom
Mind is gone
Ultraviolet Womb

In my travels from dark to light
All are opened up to me – to find
To scatter – to miss place and to redeem
AM I feeling this light or is darkness finding me home?
Gone where all questions go in search for destiny
Trapped like light inside a pyramid A bloom of ultraviolet sensory illumination
Heart is taken
Mind is gone
Ultraviolet Womb

Interrogate The ‘Why’

Interrogate The ‘Why’

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  1. “I can’t speak for anyone else, but I either know or I don’t know.”
  2. “It is only by grace through faith that we are saved. It is sort of like saying can you be saved if someone is reaching down the grab you from a sinking ship, but you smack the hand, then no you can’t be saved cause you are rejecting what can save you.”
  3. You can have faith and be lost too. In our mindset, we know where we gonna go but in reality, things will throw us off and we can get lost for a little IF we pay attention to that escape that is prepared for us to exit to that right path. So either way, both sides can get lost with or without faith. We just need to wake up and pay attention.” 
  4. “Only in case one is religious.”
  5.  “If you’re sincere.”
  6. Belief = Faith Faith=Belief.
  7. “You can have all the faith in the world and still the one doing the saving can still choose to say no.”2.jpeg
  8. I Like To Believe That All Roads Lead Home.”
  9.  “If you ask from religious folks their answer is yes.”
  10. “All forks in the roads lead to a destination.”
  11. “Lost or found – faith has little to nothing to do with it.”
  12. “Sometimes being lost is better than being found rather than being taken back to a house that isn’t a home.”
  13. “Yes, because if you don’t keep the faith – you are already lost, but what’s wrong with being lost?”
  14. “Faith is neither here or there – it’s a word to describe hope which we all have to some extent. Not having this, doesn’t make you anymore at ‘home’ than you being lost until you get to your destination.”3.jpeg
  15. “Faith is a worthy substitute. Our “gut feeling” comes from nowhere else but the highest. Some people call it common sense. Some people call it instinct. If people ask for evidence of proof, I believe that your mind and feelings are sufficient enough.”
  16. “Faith is born of evidence given in mysterious forms.”
  17. With me, I can see the evidence unfolding but it’s not ready to give birth yet. But my faith is like it has to be there, it just has to be there, oh it’s going to be there, heck yeah it’s there!!! BAM there it is after the fact. It scares me and then I’m reminded of Him that I asked and my faith was just strong to break those walls down!
  18. Do I believe in God? Heaven and Hell? Evidence and proof of a feeling, proof of our own human minds. What is right and wrong? Judgements! Create feelings! Hate is a choice. We must unlearn! I will say this for the record. I have been told I am going to Hell because of my demonic queer, lifestyle. So ungodly! This is what I tell the people who tell me this.. To be honest, I would be happy and grateful to go to Hell. Finally surrounded by my LGBTQ family, it would be one big happy LGBTQ dance party. I would be much safer in hell, then I am, here, on earth. The reality I live, is that people want me dead, because of religion, and religious beliefs, is that being Christian? I thought that was 1 of the ten commandments,”thou shall not kill?” Oh but you’re not actually taking a gun and pulling the trigger, but you are! You are separating yourself individually and now as a collective whole with judgments, right and wrong, those bullets are silent and yet very deadly… and Yes there are real bullets too. People actually die in the LGBTQ community. Someone in my LGBT family was murdered, found dead, two weeks ago, this exists people. Check your faith people – what you believe.
  19. If it’s a belief, it’s not evident.
  20. I think the very definition of faith is to believe without evidence. If someone tells me that there’s money growing on the tree in their yard, I’m going to want evidence before I turn up with my basket and start picking! But faith is almost a form of esoteric evidence, where you know something is true, even though you don’t have the evidence required to prove it to someone else. Luckily, we don’t have to, which is why faith is usually either a very personal, or else community-focused thing. 
    I’m genuinely puzzled by religions that try to convert people because they literally have no evidence to show, so they are trying to somehow generate faith in another’s heart, and that’s like trying to make a rainbow. You can’t make a rainbow, only God (or the Universe/alternative higher power/science) can do that, and it typically needs a particular set of circumstances in the lead up to it. 
    In general (although there are exceptions), the bigger the storm, the brighter the rainbow. Similarly, the bigger the crisis, the brighter faith shines in someone’s heart when it finally arrives (and it probably doesn’t ring the doorbell!)
  21. Not having evidence and believing is Faith. 

    Thank you to everyone who participated so far! You may or may not find your answer here but this series will continue on until July. My goal in providing these answers are not to dissect the categories of where these answers stem from. Philosophy and opinions share the same veins and the goal here is to expose the blood that gets us going. Although, we are not always going. Standing still in the middle of our quest – while we interrogate the ‘WHY’. What leads us to these various paths? The more we ask – we get a little bit closer.

The Opening Quest

The Opening Quest

In preparation for further development of my book, I decided to answer several questions from one of my favorite authors Dushka Zapata.

These questions set the tone for 2018 while also inspiring me to invite you to send me questions that you have thought about existence. The goal isn’t to overthink but to answer with what you feel in the heart of the moment.

Here are my favorite 14 questions.

1. “If life had no meaning, what meaning would I create for mine?”

I’d create a meaning that would mean something to me tomorrow. A meaning that has enough nutrition to last for me and those who came after me. If no others came after me then the meaning would have to be enough to satisfy me even when I’m bored. Something to make me laugh and cry because it’s all so beautifully complex.

2. “If there was no purpose to our existence, what purpose would I give to mine to shield myself from existential despair?”

I would make it a mission to make someone think about their life and what they can do with it. I would want them to laugh at how ironic this whole game of life is. I would want to show myself and people around me how life is so short and how we should chase what gives us that rush.

3. “What matters to me? Why? And once I figure this out, can I determine an order of importance?”

Freedom matters most to me. To be at full liberty without the worry that I must stop at the disadvantage of someone’s inability to respect my equilibrium. If I could get out of someone’s way to their freedom. Establishing importance would mean to know it’s not just about me.

4. “Is there a healthy, logical correlation between my priorities and how I spend my time? If not, why?”

I give myself too much time for tasks I feel can wait. I must embed a pattern of usual, so I don’t buy into the distractions because god knows I have binged on many distractions. I think I have bought so much time because I see time as an illusion and I feel I always have time, but I’ve come to realize I don’t always have time. It’s always leaving me when I gain it.

5. “What am I afraid of? Can I learn to distinguish the fear that protects me from the fear that stops me?”

“They say everybody is afraid of something although I don’t know what actually makes me afraid now. I am drawn to the unknown and I believe fear makes us strong at times. I suppose my fear is to be consistent in the most western way of doing it. (I must always pay my bills and have enough left over) Constantly making enough that is sufficient and inspiring enough to last. The best way for me to distinguish it is to fail occasionally and not feel guilty about it.”

6.”What happens when I get what I want? Is it glorious, empty, triumphant, anticlimactic? Why?”

I usually feel content with it. Sometimes when I want something so very badly and get it – I don’t feel like it was worth the wanting. I would like to capture the gloriousness more because there’s substance in playing in that feeling. I think it becomes anticlimactic because I knew I could get it – I just didn’t think I would survive the trip to get there.

7. “What does happiness mean to me? What makes me happy and how can I capture that elusive sensation more often?”

Happiness means more laughter and learning found in simple and complex things. I think if I read more, the joy of happiness will show up more.

8. “What hurts me? How can I become stronger against what causes me to suffer? How and where can I learn to suffer less? How can I remind myself that the person who makes me suffer the most is me?”

I hurt myself when I don’t own up to my decisions and how they influence others. I should remember that I am in the driver’s seat and that my reactions can be calmer. To be mindful of silence and that words don’t always have to be spoken.

9. “What is left of me if I attempt to define myself without leaning on anything I do? I am a student, I am a writer, I am a mom, I am a manager, I am a Vice President – these are all things I do. Who am I? Where is she?”

This is a very complex one. I am here and while I am here, I want to make as much hell and fun on this trip. I observe, sleep, learn and then convert this knowledge into love for everyone around me.

10. “How can I avoid losing myself in my relationships? What are my boundaries and how do I enforce them?”

One way is to have a clear understanding that we do not belong to each other but that we are only appreciating and honoring each other’s company. That we live with the knowledge that we can together but sometimes we may steer to our own strengths by ourselves. I can enforce my boundaries by staying true to myself without shame or pressure.

11. “What do my feelings teach me about myself? If I feel anger or jealousy, can I learn not to react to these feelings but instead determine what they are trying to tell me?”

They are trying to tell me to maybe rearrange what I do not understand. To Ask more questions and to speak softly and to apologize when I’ve assumed too much. I can learn by simply remembering people are often in the same state as me. They just want clarity.

12. “What happens when I sit in silence?”

I find that the stillness in myself is still yearning to speak to myself in riddles of nothing but me, myself, and I.

13. “How can I better manage change? How can I get better at accepting how little control I have?”

Knowing that I did not choose to be born here at the time I was. Some parts are played long before I got here.

14. “How would I like to be remembered?”

“Remembered for good company with a fresh willingness to open a door that people didn’t really think about turning, making them laugh while thinking.”

If you got through all of my answers to these magnificent questions, I applaud your interest endearingly! I encourage you to answer some of these questions as well! I wanted to start 2018 with these questions because they would open up my understanding of myself and where I want to go.

I am making it a mission to write way more while reading, listening, and observing.

We can do this thing together – narrating and asking. This will help us climb the ladder for clarity among all living things!

((*Every 7th of the month from now until March – I’ll post 3 of my favorite questions (& 7 replies) that I find correlates with the book I’m working on! If you have any questions that you have asked at any time // feel free to email me at jesterj7@hotmail.com

Don’t Blink

Don’t Blink

Don’t Blink – or else you’ll shatter everything around you.

The moment the eye realizes the disease of make-believe // imagination is haunted by the face of reality.

Don’t Blink – unless I’ll break the promise to stare into history past.

The present time is seen to grapple with a future that can’t be removed from my signing eyes.

Don’t Blink – unless the tears will roll from my eyes.

The longer I stare at the trauma that came before me – I begin to understand myself.

Don’t Blink – keep paying attention to the passing pages. I can’t miss out on what’s happening – I wanna be ready for it all.

If I miss what’s been said how can I follow you to comprehension’s end?

Don’t Blink – If you want to be conscious and aware of the real impact of growth.

If you wanna see it as it happens in real-time there ain’t no room for slack or missed information.

Don’t Blink by the frame of seconds to minutes and minutes to hours.

*When reality jumps against you too fast. You thought it was yesterday but it was actually two weeks ago.*

Don’t Blink or else you’ll miss the joke that just swiped past you.

Ever heard what they called TIME that has happened already?

“By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.”

Don’t Blink or else you’ll silence the words meant to speak to your soul.

Don’t Blink until you win out what was lost.

Don’t Blink – unless you are alive to what will perform in front of you.

The Performance.

The Performance.

What you gonna do now? Keep talking?

What about walking?

Are your shoes tied? What’s happening? Did you get in shape before the match? What about drinking your water? Did you lift your weights? Are all of your tools prepared? Did you remember to bring your wallet? Your handkerchief? What about any magic beads?

I’m asking these questions cause I wanna make sure you’re prepared. Consider me the performance coach. Are you ready for the performance? Are you gonna get on stage and run away OR are you show everybody that paid a ticket they’re gonna get their monies worth?

You ain’t gonna let them down. You have bought into the lightning and now you’re on fire!

But don’t burn too much, otherwise, you’re gonna suffocate everyone in the room! 😀

Fire burns quickly and smoke sends the signal to the alarm.

Your burning is largely due to nerves.

So you feel nervous?

Ever paid for something with the expectation that it was gonna show you out? When you couldn’t look forwards to eating it because you knew it was gonna rock your world!? Remember tasting it and getting disappointed? Being let down – disturbs the peace but everything is still in harmony when you believe in your work.

We all got faults we can work out on but to get bummed out is a part of the process.

HOWEVER // Make it plain. Expect the sudden interruptions of life and follow the signs. Get there. Polish your breaks. Even when you feel you are about to skew away from the path.

Are you afraid people might see you stumble? Maybe you gonna fall on your ass and embarrass yourself? Well, that’s awkward picking yourself back up right after you tripped on a non-existent banana.

You ain’t the only one tripping, tho.

The performance is the trip itself.

Premonition, Paranoia, Fear or The Heart?

Premonition, Paranoia, Fear or The Heart?

Can it be Premonition, Paranoia, Fear, or The Heart?

I feel something coming. It’s coming to arrest me. To lock me up inside a cell of confusion. I don’t want to get lost. I only want to be found at the bay of safety. I’m being stalked by the shadow. Everywhere I turn the light follows me but so does this shadow. I have no secret place away from this troubling feeling. I am taken away by the travels of fear and paranoia – they are driving me further into my shadow existence.

My feelings are witnessing to a Premonition that something is gonna arrive and it will leave me without reason or answer. Listening to the heart means sometimes doing the unthinkable. The heart might as well be our inward eyes. It sees what reality is for what it is made up out of. It can’t unsee what it sees. No matter how we try to put on the shades to protect ourselves from the radiation of what we see.

The longing for something better has once again returned.

I lie awake at night on fire, my core literally burns.

That familiar voice that is my own tells me to run and hide.

The only problem is that there’s nowhere to go; how can I run from my own insides?

Is it so bad to long for what’s unknown and simultaneously known?

I cry out, asking for help, asking simply to be shown.

Is it selfish that I want recognition for what it is I’ve done?

Even if I give all of the credit to the Ultimate One?

Is it selfish that I want it to be my name that is spoken?

Is it selfish that I want some appreciation, even a small token?!

It seems the only thing to do is wait until the end.

I must wait until our eternal lives are slated to begin.

Only then will these questions asked be answered with no bias.

When these notions of an ever-dwindling time are simply put behind us.

(Timeless Burning – Sylina D. Black)

This poem totally rhymes with my heart and the overall direction of this piece. Thank you again Sylina – for remaining right on time with your subject, motif, and genre.

The heart never lies because it’s beating to keep you alive. Navigating through the multilayered sound of the heart can confuse what fear, paranoia, or premonition offers. It’s best to start off with love because love returns everything to focus.

When you don’t have love to back things up, you are literally screwed. If love ain’t the backbone and foundation – you only have curse words and empty promises. Nothing ahead of you can make a clear path. You are destroyed with only memory and fainted desires to build with plastic wood. You can’t move to a safe place if love isn’t already your safe place. If you build with weak tools and equipment, eventually everything is gonna crumble and retire back to inflated wheels.

This is why love must be the champion in a relationship. If it doesn’t keep you coming back, love was never there. You believed falsely. You thought it was true only to find out you were robbed of honesty. You got hoaxed. Fooled by the enormities of emotion and pleasure.

You believed in what was real in the idea but false in reality. You gonna have to pay for this sacrifice by offering another promise. You won’t win this time, you’ll have to replenish it again. You lost but only to gain again consciousness. You gotta hit harder but only to the right target.

 

What You Got To Say?

What You Got To Say?

What Chu Got To Say?

Nothing and EVERYTHING. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. An ounce of “Have you heard?” and a pound of “why is this?”.

*I heard is not the same thing as I read*

Questions and curiosity.

I’m seeing what my eyes perceive. All at once – it’s happening again. My senses are overwhelmed once again.

I didn’t know what to say at first.

I’ve been afraid perhaps.

Reactions are judged so harshly.

Without sound proof of origin – the assumption is at the door. Everyone is knocking loud on assumptions door, wondering if they are invited in.
Who’s unlocking the reason now? They didn’t even bother to ring the doorbell.

*ding – dong*

Whoops.

I spoke too soon. Now they are here. What do I do with these ideas now? Before I speak I’m careful. I rather silence but then people would think I’m dumb.

Maybe numb?

They yell and scream at me – didn’t you say – “ueoeodmcnwlslxm xjwkxkmxdkls d kdlallqs SLS LLDB’s blah, yum, fum, drop, dribble, and triple..”

No, I didn’t forget the miscellaneous words that were tossed but that was on a different day. A day when all of that made sense now we are here.

Don’t fight the feeling.

BUT

YET

AGAIN…….

Threats are hijacked by reason.

Great!

So we’re gonna be on trial again. Questions after questions. Interrogation.Getting to the nerve. The center. Why did we come to be? Did we see this coming?

Of course, we did. It was written in the stars. The stars are millions of light-years away.

How do we reach them? Can they be reached or only wished for?

“When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are…”

Or maybe it does matter who you are? Maybe it’s privilege? What if you are rich? Would the gods care more then?

And if so – which god?

What do you say? Maybe you’re being guided? Maybe you are just following along with the flow?

What do you know? The lesson is recorded in the books. I know you wanna travel and see the world. The closer you’ll get to that is by opening the book. Read another chapter. Better yet – live your book. Go ahead and escape into further worlds.

They are waiting and I am too. So I’ll bury myself under words until the illustration makes a clear path.

So I know what is nothing but everything because I’m in reach for knowledge.

Speaking Presently // Silently Past 

Speaking Presently // Silently Past 

 

In this moment, voices are calling.

The word is spoken and the past is silent to action.

For not every word needs to be spoken, every request isn’t always received.

Silence is the highlight to volumes full of black and white pages.

The colors of abbreviation are manifested by light and reduction.

Words yet begin to form and language begins to break off into a multitude of conversations.

What is being spoken presently, is what has been seen silently in the past.

Sometimes, we are not given an exact reason as to why we make the choices that have been made.

Many times, we are led to strange places with seemingly no center or root.

Something prompts us to act, and that is the very thing that allows action.

YET&Still.

The action is not always a narration of exercise but silence as well.

Research – The Seeds of Colorless Imagination

In the midst of the walls of studies, my definition for research leaps and spins. WHAT does it even mean to “DO YOUR RESEARCH?”
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We all find ourselves flipping through the pages of history to find a synonymous argument that appears to tame our own biased perspective. Ultimately, can it be in the heart of commonality where our search is renewed? Finding positions that signify a truth to our unspoken realizations. As we begin to entertain the length of colorless imaginations told through HIStory, we wonder where is the mother; to all that is embedded in the seeds. I’ve found my gestures paranoid as my eyes read through the variation of individual insight. I’m speaking from a peril of context and the journey through the windows of content.

Pay no mind to my accusation – I’m only what you believe about freedom.

I noticed your call and my heart is back to you. I am consumed on the deadly possibility.

I am consumed on the deadly possibility.

As your call desperately arises in my voice.

As your call desperately arises in my voice.